Having to organise a funeral is probably the thing we all dread. Losing a loved one is hard enough without having to think about practical arrangements when all you want to do is be with your emotions and grief. In this blog, we look at the steps that need to be taken after a death is registered, which must be within 5 days in England and Wales and 8 days in Scotland.
- Choose a Funeral Director or Do It Yourself? Years ago, the deceased would stay in the family home until the funeral. Friends and neighbours would come over and pay their respects and cups of tea would be consumed alongside the coffin. These days, a funeral director is engaged to remove the body and store it until the funeral, where visits can be made by arrangement. There is no law that says you need to engage the services of a funeral director, you can make most of the arrangements yourself, the only tricky areas is obtaining a coffin (some retailers will only supply via a director, although with the Coffin Club you can build and decorate your own in advance), and getting the coffin to the funeral, as they are usually longer than the average family car! Think carefully about how involved you want to be at this time and seek help according to recommendations or agreed funeral plans.
- Religious or Non-religious funerals: Your loved one may never have said a prayer in their life and so wants no religious content in their funeral and may not even want the ceremony to be held in a chapel – that’s all fine. It could be that their religion is very important to them and so you want to engage the services of a religious leader. In my case, as an Independent Celebrant, I find most of my families want a bit of both – a reflection of spirituality without the necessity for a named deity, maybe the Lord’s Prayer “just in case”, and if there is to be a hymn, perhaps it can be a version sung by a choir or a football team so if people don’t want to sing along it’s not too embarrassing. If you do engage a funeral director they can recommend people to you, as can the staff at the local cemetery or crematorium, or there is always Google and a review of the testimonials available.
- Burial, Cremation or Natural? Knowing your loved one’s wishes here is so important. We always joked with my Mother-In-Law that she would be buried at sea – because she can’t swim!! If there wishes were to donate their body to science then you have a timescale that needs to be worked within. Equally, natural burial grounds will ask that the body is not embalmed and that the coffin or ashes container is biodegradable, so as not to put any harmful chemicals or materials into the grounds they are trying to look after. Of course, you are not obliged to follow the wishes of the deceased, if they said burial but the thought of being drawn back to a graveyard and tending a plot leaves you cold, then you can chose the best method that suits you and your family, they really won’t mind.
- Day and Time: It’s always worth having a couple of options before settling on one. A friend of mine recently had the harrowing decision of attending her best friend of thirty odd years funeral or her sisters, on the same day but 400 miles apart. If you have people that will need to travel then go with an afternoon slot, consider school run times and if you want something quiet then the morning slots are for you. Consider also if you are to entertain anyone after or if a local cafe or restaurant can be engaged to provide refreshments.
- Transport: We considered earlier whether a funeral director will be involved and if so they can talk to you about arrangements for transport – Hearse, Horse pulled carriage, Motorbike and sidecar and Land Rover Defenders are all popular options. However, your loved one may have been full of energy and so his cremated ashes might be better transported to rest, once fired from a firework! You may want to consider shared transport for guests too – especially if the loved one was part of a local group, society or football team.
- Music Choices: There are songs that are just right and some that are just ick! Don’t be afraid to do something different, I had a ceremony for one lady who was a massive Tina Turner fan, so her family decided to keep the goodbyes short and sweet and instead focused on her passion and engaged the services of a Tina Turner tribute act who brought the house down! Do consider the lyrics, profanity or dubious content should be left for enjoying in one’s own space, not inflicted on a congregation of treasured friends and family.
- Orders or Service: Your celebrant or funeral director will be able to help you with these if you so wish, however it is really easy to create a template of your own with apps such as Canva and have companies such as Printed.com or Vistaprint supply the materials, sometimes in a more cost effective way than the funeral homes can create. If you do order service sheets, rule of thumb would be to order one between two guests and order a few more than you think you will need, people do like to keep them.
- Eulogy: What to do you want your loved one’s story to be? Should it be a timeline of events or a record of their words, deeds and character with happy memories shared? For me, I like a bit of both. I don’t like to be tied down with dates and locations but if someone fought for their country then let’s recognise their bravery, if they were a key part of their community then let’s recognise the people they were important to. Be considerate of extended family, it’s easy to focus on those immediately around us and pay no heed to people we don’t see or hear from very often but that is not to say they are not devastated by their family members death and would like their grief to be recognised.
- Flowers or Donations? We are all a little more eco-conscious these days and whilst I have seen some beautiful floral tributes, unless they are taken home by someone, they are simply thrown away after a couple of days. Consider supporting a local or national charity, it’s easy to set up a donations page such as Just Giving and many funeral directors will do this for you or you could have a collection box available at the service and wake for people to deposit donations into. I’ll also try to offset my carbon footprint and have a tree planted via the National Trust for each funeral ceremony I conduct.
- Wake or not? There is no arguing that a funeral is a right of passage that is highly emotional and can be draining for those in attendance, so going somewhere after for a cup of tea and slice of cake might be too much to think about or sit through. There is no need to hold a wake directly after a service, it can be arranged a few days later and be more of an opportunity to give thanks for the person’s life and tell stories. You could always combine the ceremony with the wake – one of my ladies was a bingo super fan, so when her family wanted to recognise this for her ceremony, we arranged with the local bingo hall to have a special session just for her and as she had a direct cremation, her ashes sat at her usual table and her granddaughter played her bingo cards for her with all the winnings going to the local hospice who had taken care of her in her last weeks of life – it was personal, fitting and right for her and her family and friends.
Of course we can never be fully prepared for the end of someone’s life but we also shouldn’t be scared of having the conversation – it’s not morbid and won’t hasten the end of life but it will mean that your wishes are known to those around you when it comes to organising your funeral.
I offer a pre-planned funeral package where I can come and have a cuppa and share stories with you, listen to your favourite music and talk about the way you would like to be remembered, the messages you would like to leave your family with and whether you would like to have donations made for a favourite charity. I draft a script and share it with you to make sure I have my facts right and notify your next of kin that plans are already in place, so when the time comes, they only have to let me know and we are ready to proceed. It’s much easier for your loved ones to know that your wishes are being met and less traumatic for them in their bereaved state and we’ll have a lovely time reminiscing, looking at photos and capturing all your love for them.
You can book this service on the contacts page of my website or by calling 07727277996 to book an appointment.
